by Karl Koweski
Editor’s Note: Originally Ben John intended to make this a top ten list, but while investigating spectral voices in the Hopewell area woods, he came across Calroy Holley, owner/proprietor/chief chemist of the Gaitlin Mountain Crystal Meth Lab. Calroy shot NeSmith in the chest with a .12 gauge, killing the hell out of him. At night, meth cooks claim hearing his voice in the wind, though, admittedly, nothing’s said worth repeating.
5. Crybaby Hollow … Hogjaw Road… Guntersville Alabama
This long stretch of two lane black top is known as the back way connecting the wet county where the bars, grab-a-grannies and cold beer stores are located to the dry county where I keep my house trailer. Due to the lack of street lights and the narrow width and overall curvature of the road, driving down Hogjaw at 3 am with a skinful of booze is a dicey proposition, especially when you reach Crybaby Hollow near Suck Egg Creek. A couple years ago a woman and her 12 month old child got themselves killed in a head-on collision with a drunk driver. It’s said by the locals, during the witching hour you can hear the ghostly wail of an inconvenienced toddler. If you leave an unwrapped Baby Ruth candybar on the shoulder of the road, it will be gone by morning. Now I drive down that road drunk all the time, usually at an anxious 85 mph, with the Oak Ridge Boys full volume on the stereo, cause the last thing I want to hear is some crying kid who ain’t even alive. I’ve lost count of the roadkill marmints I’ve seen with candybars sticking out of their furry yaps. Make of it what you will. I just wish the police didn’t have checkpoints set up along the main road.
4. The Vern Ryan Residence … Scant City, Alabama
Vern Ryan is best known for sucking hind teat at the factory I work at. During the last year alone, his wife ran off with a black man, the transmission went out on his Chevy truck, his daughter came down with the clap three times, then failed the eighth grade for the second time, the factory cut back on his overtime so he can’t fix his rotting teeth, the Scant City Optimist Club revoked his membership, and now his house is haunted by the ghost of a confederate soldier named Dennis. This apparition supposedly antagonizes Vern with smart ass remarks that generally undermines Vern’s confidence. I set up a video recorder and some audio recording equipment at his house one night. All I came away with the next morning was video of his coon dog pooping in the hallway and audio of what sounds like whimpering masturbation. I did manage to steal some nice Bear Bryant memorabilia while I was there. The house definitely possesses an oppressive atmosphere. Whether it’s from a ghost named Dennis or Vern’s utter failure producing the bad vibes I can’t rightly say. Fortunately the bank’s foreclosing on the property so Vern won’t have to worry about Confederate soliders from beyond the grave much longer.
3. The Yellow Ribbon Lounge … Boaz, Alabama
I have no doubt this beer and shot joint is haunted by the restless spirits of a hundred desperately celibate men. I’ve been researching this lounge four to five nights a week for three years now, and, near as I can tell, the existence of so much testosterone laden spiritual energy can be the only explanation for the total lack of women present every night. Even on Ladies Night when the Natural Lites are half-priced, the Jello wrasslin pools remain empty and the women stay away. Legend has it, a locally famous body shop technician OD’d in the bathroom. Research is hampered by the bar itself. There’s too much cigarette smoke to see spectors and Hank Williams on the jukebox obscures any phantom voices. Nonetheless, the Yellow Ribbon Lounge makes my top five list and it’s got nothing to do with owner, Dookie Hayes, offering free drinks for the publicity.
2. 2nd Floor Girl’s Bathroom … Fortenberry Elementary School … Aardmore, Alabama
Third and fourth grade girls at the elementary school have reported hearing demonic voices and seeing strange red lights glowing from the mirrors, especially after chanting “bloody mary, bloody murder” three times. It seems girls of that age are partial to the Satanic rituals. Also there’s the crystal meth epidemic sweeping the grade schools throughout Northern Alabama fogging their fragile minds. I took it upon myself to investigate. Come to find out, school administrators don’t appreciate forty year-old paranormal investigators coming into their girl’s bathroom unannounced. Which leads me to the # 1 most haunted place in the world…
1. The Aardmore Jail … Aardmore, Alabama
Anyone who questions Aardmore jail as the most haunted place in the world obviously never had to spend a holiday weekend locked behind bars on a ridiculous criminal trespass charge. Allegedly, as we like to say in the clink, over a hundred men have killed themselves within the jailhouse walls. The preferred method is hanging by their own belts. The secondary method is hanging by someone else’s belt. I reckon they borrow the belts from the jailers. I heard all kinds of disembodied voices during my stay as a guest of the county. Of course, I was coming off a three week drunk. My stay in the jailhouse wasn’t a complete loss. While playing ping pong with a cell mate using two flip flops and the ball pried from a roll-on deodorant stick, I did get a lead on some haunted woods near the Hopewell community. I didn’t get to hear the entire story since my cell mate decided to commit suicide during the night by macing himself in the eyes and choking himself out with a pink belt. I guess some folks hate life so much they’ll go through whatever means necessary to end the misery.
